“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
You Might Also Like
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly