manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
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Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Something Saturday.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
my sentiments exactly
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.