“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
never deleting this app.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Mhm.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.