Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
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can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’