The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
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Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
WHY?!
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies