[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
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So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”