Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
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Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
✌🏽
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.