Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Shoo shoo! 😂
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
PLOT TWIST:
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.