Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
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Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I have questions??
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.