turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
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Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds