There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”