Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
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280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about