(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
You Might Also Like
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.