Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
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Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Pandas 🐼🖤
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
groan^2
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.