Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
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You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*