My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.