Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have