My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
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Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.