it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion