A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
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Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me