I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way