*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Velcrow
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.