Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
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me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf