You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
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CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Hero horse inspires millions
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
True
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats