angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
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7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
The Struggle
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*