Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
some Old Testament wisdom
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Time for evil
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My god she’s good.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars