If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
The devil.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.