I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
You Might Also Like
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”