*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
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“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
the council will decide your fate
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
I’ve had worse
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.