Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
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Smells like a challenge to me
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[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.