Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
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Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM