I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
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When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?