DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac