I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Very good! 👍😂
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
*cough*
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!