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It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”