me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew