Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
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I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Do one person every day that scares you.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Well, this explains it:
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.