[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
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Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.