I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”