*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
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Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
A woman drives into a bar.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…