Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.