Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
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if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
I’m Sold!
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’