Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
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My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Mornin
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.