You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
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“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
This pepper has seen some shit
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.