[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
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they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
greetings!
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.