#Caturday
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”