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A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Love is always patient and kind.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!