My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
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Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.