Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
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Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?