hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
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I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?